Never trust a person who doesn't own a TV.

If the Bachelorette/Bachelor franchise is about anything, it’s about opportunity, agreed?  On Wednesday, two of my most loyal readers and huge Bachelorette fans were traveling back east with their kids.  At a nearby gate, they spotted none other than Big Man On Campus Ryan.  My friend, the wife, snuck this picture but it’s too far away to get a good look at that wide jaw and greasy skin.  I’m not going to point any fingers but a certain ‘better’ half didn’t want the other better half to approach him.  I guess we’ll never know what could’ve been.  I reminded him I took one for the team to personally speak to guard and protect your heart tattoo Kasey JUST for the story.  But I guess true love is asking your wife to refrain from approaching a jag off no matter how good of a story is at stake, and a wife agreeing with the husband to avoid an awkward situation in front of their two small children.  Fair enough.  But I hope Emily doesn’t pass up on any golden opportunities here on out because she’s headed to hometowns…

Emily has returned back to her home in Charlotte to see Ricki and to reflect on the four great guys she’ll be visiting.  She reviews each guy:  Chris is the first strong connection guy.  Jef is the fun, edgy guy who gets her.  Arie is Mr. Excitement and immediate connection, bad boy guy.  Sean is the makes her feel safe guy.  And she can see a future with all four of them.   Emily will meet the families to help determine who Ricki might call MeeMaw and Pop Pop. 

Let’s just all assume the following will happen tonight:   Everyone will love Emily, no one will be too hard on her and they’ll think their son/brother has found the perfect girl for him.  The notion that a family would accept a stranger with very few questions asked as ‘the one’ is absolutely ridiculous outside of an ironic reality t.v. show about finding your life partner in 10 weeks while dating other men.  But every season this plays out the same time and again.

If I was insane enough to participate in this show format, I’d absolutely want to meet his family BUT I’d be very careful with my words out of respect.  Don’t make any future ‘we’ statements and be as general as possible without being rude.  Many times the Bachelor/Bachelorette will get caught up in the moment or for lack of a better response will say, “I’d love to come back, “ or “I hope to see you all soon.”  If I’m a big sister, I’d counter with, “Well, that’s on you.” or “Well, we have a 1 in 4 chance so…”

In response to family questions, I’d be my dazzling self and simply compliment their son and the relationship we’ve had thus far.   Sure, I may throw out “I wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t developed serious feelings for your son” but I’d try not to give the hard sell.  I’m the one screening YOU for future holidays and vacations.  Lastly, I’d tell the family this is an extraordinary situation that we’ve all agreed to participate in based on signed, iron clad, 5,000 page contracts. And I promise to treat him with as much dignity as I can while putting him into a stretch limo.   

You’d think every family would be extremely wary and cautious but again, they will declare, “I couldn’t have asked for someone more perfect for my son.” 
Nevermind, this perfect person could very well be the perfect wife to demand your son move far away and only visit you once every other Thanksgiving because suddenly she hates to fly with the kids or HER family is only 20 minutes away so it’s just ‘easier’.  Family members should be just as general and cautious so to save face when your son looks like a clueless sucker getting kicked off.

Chris’ hometown date is the lead off batter.   Chris, 25 yr old sales director from Chicago, had slowly come undone since his strong lead in Week 2.  He somehow hid his rager side from Emily so here she is in Chicago.  Chris shows her the city and takes her to a Polish restaurant to prepare her for his Polish family.  “On a scale of one to Polish, we’re Polish.”  Chicago is known for its huge Polish American population so at the very least, I’d date Chris for the Polish church festival season alone.  All the beer and pierogies you can eat???  Winner, Winner, Kielbasa Dinner!

His culturally fun family could be a Chris’ most positive feature.  I imagine a big, welcoming, blue collar family who loves to have a good time.  And that’s exactly what we get.  Emily meets Chris’ parents and his two sisters.   Chris’ father takes Emily to the side.  His dad says Chris would totally be there for her and Ricki .  He tells Emily, “If you’re looking for someone to love and support you then Chris will give that to you; if you’re looking for something else then Chris isn’t the guy for you.”   Emily says that’s exactly what she’s looking for.  His attempt to call her bluff did not work. 

Chris’ dad asks Emily if he senses some love and she says, “Absolutely.  I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.”  Well, that didn’t take long.  Chris sits down with his mother and in her awesome Chicago accent, she says he may get hurt but if he really loves her, he’s got to get out there and “kick ass.”  Yeah, Beavis.

Chris’ tough sister simply asks Emily to release him sooner than later.  And then Chris’ father tells him that Emily mentioned she’s falling in love with him.  He’s more than paraphrasing Emily’s earlier response but the damage has been done.  Armed with this new information, Chris tells Emily he is now in love with her.  Chris and family cap off the night with Polish music and dancing that makes for a fun night but is Emily all in for a lifetime of polka?

Emily now travels to Utah to visit Jef at his family’s ranch.  Jef straps her into an all terrain dune buggy and take off onto the compound.  Jef is showing his country boy side and Emily is eating it up.  He takes her to shoot some skeet and suddenly Jef is the guy’s guy of all guy’s guys.  I’m not one to find a man holding a gun sexy but at least he’s not talking about how Karl Lagerfeld is the original risk taker.      

Jef tells Emily she’ll meet two brothers and two sisters.  But again, his parents will not be there because they’re in South Carolina doing “charity work.”  At this point, I have to believe he’s told her they’re Mormon and Emily’s okay with the whole deal so good for her and her openness.  But out of respect for his family, I’d guess it’s been agreed upon that they can’t mention the religion by name.  Not even Mitt Romney can move this needle.

Jef’s brother takes Emily to the side and asks her if they feel they have the same fundamentals and goals.  Emily said she’s asked Jef all the important questions that need to be asked.  Again, I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt that they’ve talked about ALL fundamentals.  Big brother co-signs this entire endeavor.

Jef’s sisters are up next.  Emily wants to make sure Jef is ready to be a father, blah, blah and his sister in law asks if she’ll ask Jef to move or would she uproot Ricki to move with Jeff.  Emily says she just wants a true family and would go anywhere.  Words like values continue to be emphasized and questions like do you mesh in same way regarding raising kids.  Emily says the basics and foundations are there.  I feel like they’re all dancing around the religion issue but again, this is not my battle and I gotta let it go.  His sister asks if she’s falling in love with Jef and she says she is but is afraid to throw out the L word and then gets off the hook when Jef’s adorable niece climbs into Emily’s arms like she’s known her forever.

Jef admits to his brother she’s the coolest girl in the world.  Like, rad, dude.  Jef’s brother sort of calls him out by saying he’s never really seen Jef want the things that are now in front of him in the way of kids and a wife.  I have a feeling his brother is concerned and has always thought of Jef as the family wild card but thinks Emily is a good ying to his yang. 

Jef and Emily go off where he reads her a heartfelt letter.  The letter reads like a teen groom’s marriage vows at a city park gazebo wedding; I love the way you smile, I love how grab my hand and hold it, I love how good of a mom you are, I love how you want to make the world a better place.  What a crock.

Well, Arie, good luck stealing Emily from Jef’s inexplicable spell but off she goes to Arizona.  Of course Emily meets Arie at the race track.  To refresh, Arie is an Indy Car series driver.  (Arie’s father, Arie Sr., is a two time Indy 500 winner.) And since Emily comes from NASCAR stock, I really hope a blue collar / white collar racing divide won’t come to the surface tonight.   Emily has always been physically attracted to Arie more than any guy in this race.  Emily agrees to let Arie take her for a spin in his National Guard race car. 

Arie and Emily go sit by a lake and Arie’s extremely nervous about All-American Emily meeting his very European parents.  Arie says his mother will be the least open minded.  I get the feeling his mother never hugged him because she didn’t believe in spoiling a child.   But I don’t mind Arie’s honesty because it might offer us a departure from the family automatically jumping on board.    

Arie’s father, mother, twin brothers and sister are introduced.  It’s pretty obvious they’re a little more formal, per se, than Chris’ South Side Chicago polka house party.  Coincidentally, his mother informs the family her first trip ever to the States was to Charlotte, NC.  And then they all begin to speak in Dutch while Emily sits there looking mortified.  Arie finally translates they were simply asking him how things were going.  His mom takes Emily aside and for some reason they go sit on a bed.  She grills Emily about her first Bachelor appearance and says she was surprised to see her back in the hunt.  Emily tells her she didn’t ask the right questions with Brad (read: I didn’t ask him if he had a serious anger management problem.)  Mom starts to soften up and they talk candidly about racing life.   She offers the fact they’ve been married for 31 years and so the racing life can work (just don’t ask Jeff Gordon.) 

Emily had nothing to worry about with Arie’s mother thinking they will make an awesome couple.  Arie admits to his father he’s ready to propose to Emily and Arie, Sr. also thinks Emily has all the great qualities.  Easy peasy.  The Southern belle won over the Dutch aristocrats.  And they both lived happily ever after.  The End.

It’s Sean’s turn to show the rest of the guys Don’t Mess With Texas.  As I’ve said all season, Emily knows Sean is the perfect fit for her in terms of commonalities.  I think if she’s serious about finding the right family guy and settling in for the looooong haul then he’s her guy.  I get the feeling Jef’s antics will include starting a band one minute to spending too much alone time visiting his family.  Arie’s the flash in the pan international playboy who might tire of Pleasantville.  And despite his culturally fun family, Chris is a dick.  And boring.

Sean and Emily hang out by a nearby lake and play with his dogs.  They picnic and pick flowers.  Emily quickly recognizes their lives can easily blend together.  Sean explains to Emily he will never allow a woman to give her all to him without him feeling the same.  And of course he assures Emily he’s willing to move forward knowing he’s got the feelings for Emily to pursue a future.  Emily continues to say he’s the perfect guy with the perfect family, the perfect house and perfect dog.  Like it’s some far-fetched scenario that a girl who looks like Emily actually gets the ‘perfect’ guy. 

Sean and Emily arrive and meet his parents, sister, brother in law, niece and nephew.  Sean’s niece RUNS into his arms and that’s the money shot.  A single guy’s best currency are cute nieces and nephews who adore him.  And for the record, so far it appears Sean’s family IS the perfect family.  They’re like a poster family for good Texas Christian living. 

Sean doesn’t waste any time and says he needs to be open about something.  Emily looks concerned and Sean admits he still lives at home.  I’m mortified.  She’s mortified.  His family looks totally fine.  Sean then takes her on a tour straight to his room.  His room is a disaster and says, “I wish my mom would’ve picked up a little bit.”  He promptly introduces Emily to his stuffed animal friends.  Emily is being Southern and polite but she is clearly thrown.  But of course, Sean comes clean that this is a total joke.  Emily response is total relief but she misses out on opportunity to be a person resembling having a sense of humor and keeps that ‘too’ nice polite girl composure.  “I don’t care, I would’ve still been crazy about you,” says the lying sack of Emily.  I would’ve loved to have seen her give a hysterical, big belly laugh and just be real and have a real moment because I’ll give it up to him, he actually sold it to me.  Well, until he started introducing the stuffed animals and the randomly placed cookie crumbs.   

Sean opens up to his father and his father tells Emily Sean has never opened up this much about anyone.  Of course everyone thinks Sean’s made a great choice and his parents are extremely sweet and also appear to be the best fit for Emily and Ricki.  His father feels he’s known Emily for a long time and his mom thinks Sean would be blessed to have her.   Sean’s mom says maybe the next time you can bring Ricki and Emily says she’d come and never want to leave.  As predicted, no one has followed any of the rules. 

The hardest Rose Ceremony to date:  Emily has to make the extremely hard decision of what family to offend.  She tells Chris Harrison that each guy’s family was so amazing. Emily looks at each picture pretending to think about each guy and then walks to a window to further contemplate.  

As she stands in front of the guys she says she’s based her decision on their entire relationship and where she sees things going.  The first rose goes to Arie, the second to Jef and now it’s down to Chris and Sean.  Emily confirms what should’ve been done last week and sends Chris home.  Sean gets the final rose.

Chris is completely shocked since his father told him Emily had fallen in love with him.  He’s too immature to understand what he’s signed up for.  He reverts back to his surly self demanding an explanation and sounds like angry stalker guy saying, “I told you I loved you.”  Get it line, Christopher. 

Once in the limo, at least Chris doesn’t start sobbing on account he’s so fucking livid.  “I’m 10x the man than (bleep) all those dudes that are still there,” whines Chris.  Like his hometown Chicago Cubs, he departs like a big, sore loser. 

Emily informs the three remaining guys they are going to Curacao!  And you know what this means; FANTASY SUITES.  It’ll be interesting to see how Mommy Emily handles the awkward proposition and what it implies.  But just because she spends time in the fantasy suite, it doesn’t necessarily mean actual intercourse.  I’m sure many times it’s a great opportunity to talk off camera with some heavy over the underwear petting.  

Lastly, if you haven’t already heard, the producers and ABC have decided to air the finale LIVE, potentially to avoid spoilers.  So are we’re supposed to believe she hasn’t  made a final decision?  Will the proposal happen live or will they just reveal whose proposal she accepted?  We have a lot to get through before the answers are revealed, including the Men Tell All.  Until Curacao…

THE BACHELORS:

Aaron, 36, a biology teacher from Long Beach, CA
Alessandro, 30, a grain merchant from St. Paul, MN
Alejandro, 25, a mushroom farmer from San Francisco, CA
Arie, 30, a race car driver from Scottsdale, AZ
Brent, 41, a technology salesman from Fresno, CA
Charlie, 32, a recruiter from Nashville, TN
Chris, 25, a corporate sales director from Chicago, IL
David, 33, a singer/songwriter from New York, NY
Doug, 33, a real estate agent from Seattle, WA
Jackson, 29, a fitness model from Lockport, IL
Jean-Paul, 35, a marine biologist from Seattle, WA
Jef, 27, an entrepreneur from Salt Lake City, UT
Joe, 27, a field energy advisor from Los Angeles, CA
John “Wolf,” 30, a data destruction specialist from St. Louis, MO
Kalon, 27, a luxury brand consultant from Houston, TX
Kyle, 29, a financial advisor from Long Beach, CA
Lerone, 29, a real estate consultant from Los Angeles, CA
Michael, 26, a rehab counselor from Austin, TX
Nate, 25, an accountant from Los Angeles, CA
Randy, 30, a marketing manager from Hermosa Beach, CA
Ryan, 31, a pro sports trainer from Augusta, GA
Sean, 28, an insurance agent from Dallas, TX
Stevie, 26, a party MC from Staten Island, NY
Tony, 31, a lumber trader from Beaverton, OR
Travis, 30, an advertising sales representative from Madison, MS

Another Monday evening watching a reality tv show.  My cup runneth over.  Speaking of which, late this evening I got the great news that a friend had her baby.  Another friend got engaged this weekend.  And another friend gave birth to twins last week.  And I have 4 varieties of Lean Pockets in my freezer.  Here we go….

Emily is so happy to be in Prague because she says, ”It’s just like the olden’ days.”  The pressure’s on because after the week, the remaining 4 men will get the ever so important hometown dates.    

The Sweet Six; Arie, Chris, Doug, Jef, John, and Sean.  The field is dwindling and there will be 3 romantic one on one dates and one group dates.  A rose will only be given out on the group date.  It’s go time, people.

‘Let’s CZECH out Prague together’ one on one date with Arie:  Arie gets the first one on one.  Lo and behold, Emily takes her date sightseeing because, wait for it, that’s what she would do with her husband.  At least she’s STILL taking this seriously. 

From last week, we know that Emily is aware of a previous relationship Arie’s had with a producer.  Knowing Arie has kept a secret from her, they walk around Prague and Emily takes Arie to a statue where the custom is to rub the lady for luck in love and a dog for loyalty. The trap has been set.

Chris Harrison explains that quite a few years ago, Arie had a brief relationship with Bachelorette producer, Cassie.  Apparently, Cassie eventually admitted she dated Arie once she saw Emily was developing strong feelings for Arie.  So in FULL DISCLOSURE, they tape an interview between Emily and Cassie.  Cassie’s defense is she didn’t want to skew Emily’s feelings hence why she didn’t disclose right away. 

Cassie claims she and Arie have seen each other “maybe 2 times in the past 10 years.”  It doesn’t take a huge leap to know she brought Arie into the audition process.  And hey, that’s fine, you’re a producer on a television show whose job it is to continue to make the show more engaging by the episode.  You have Emily with her racing background and you know this ‘great’ guy from your past who happens to be a race car driver.  No brainer but you can’t be surprised when Emily finds out and becomes upset. 

It’s a reality tv show spin on a classic plot twist; girl meets guy, guy meets her friend, and SURPRISE the two had one night stand years ago before either knew their now mutual friend, no one says a word, too much time goes by, friend finally feels too guilty, discloses the truth and girl feels betrayed and screams, “Do you know how STUPID I feel???  Did you guys have a good laugh??? I thought you were my friend!!!!  I never want to speak to you ever again!!!  And just so you know, I hate your dog, your father creeps me out and your personality IS your best feature!!! ”    

Emily has a right to be upset because at this point, how does she know the extent of their relationship?  She’s spoken fondly of Cassie to Arie and never did he mention they know each other.  This is a tricky situation and despite Cassie trying to diminish the weight of their past relationship, it doesn’t help Arie appear to be an honest guy. 

On their day date, Emily finally starts to bait Arie.  She’s giving him ample rope to hang himself as she continues to tell him trust and keeping no secrets is of utmost importance to her.  Arie continues to tell her he’s the most honest and trustworthy person.  “It’s better to be almost too honest,” says Arie.  Not only is Arie taking the rope, he’s carefully handcrafting a beautiful chair made out of walnut for Emily to kick out from under him once he knows, she knows.

Either Arie’s so stupid he doesn’t get she knows or Arie’s so stupid because his relationship with Cassie really wasn’t an actual relationship, thus a non-issue, that he didn’t think it was a big deal so he never mentioned it.  Either way, stupid is as stupid does. 

But Chris Harrison is back to explain that Emily, Arie and Cassie ended up having a very honest conversation.  Unfortunately, it was discussed off camera.  I call bullshit.  So Cassie and Emily’s interview was taped but they couldn’t tape the three of them?  The fix is in! Something smells rotten in the state of the Czech Republic! 

Chris says in speaking to them both, Emily realized that Arie not coming clean is a non-issue because the relationship was so brief and took place another lifetime ago.  They must’ve really given her the hard sell because ultimately, somebody should’ve told her especially if it wasn’t a ‘big deal’. 

The drama appears over as quickly as it began.  Em and Arie’s evening date continues as all has been forgiven and the incident has been dismissed as a ‘misunderstanding’.  Emily apologizes for not trusting Arie, he tells her how serious his feelings have become and they discuss meeting his family.  And before Emily surprises Arie with fireworks, he’s the first of the guys to tell Emily he loves her.  Arie’s back in the driver’s seat.

Back at the hotel, the other guys wait for the next one on one date card.  John/Wolf has been selected and gets his first one on one opportunity.  Chris’ unraveling has picked up steam and he’s livid. 

‘In Prague, all you need is love’ one on one date with John/Wolf:  Last week, Emily was set on sending John home but after he opened up about his admiration for his grandparents’ love, she decided to keep him.  They both know it’s a make or break it date.  The take a boat ride and then hit the streets for more sightseeing.   As they walk, they come upon a wall dedicated to John Lennon (member of the rock band, The Beatles) as music had been banned during Czechoslovakia’s communist state.  People paint messages of love and peace so they paint a picture of…a boat.  I’m rootin’ for you John, I REALLY am.

Their next stop is a gate where lovers write a message on a lock and lock it to the gate to symbolize their love.  John has difficulties getting the lock to catch and Emily calls it out as a sign.  It’s out of my hands at this point.

Later that night they have dinner in a dungeon.  This guy cannot catch a metaphor break.  Emily still feels she needs to go deeper with John.  John explains he’s even keeled and I think Emily wants more of a silly romance guy (like a Mormon who skateboards).  John tells Emily that his last serious girlfriend cheated on him with a “doctor dude”.  Emily feels she understands him better and John feels like once she meets his parents, she’ll understand him even more.  John tells Emily, “I’m not a starter, I’m a closer.”  NAILED IT.  Just as a comparison; John uses a sports analogy and Jef uses a vintage Chloé handbag analogy.  I guess it’s all in what spins your bottle.   

John returns back to the hotel extremely confident the date went swimmingly.  His confidence has further rattled Chris and even Sean to some extent.  Sean decides he’s not going to sit and stew and runs after Emily shouting her name through the streets of Prague.  It’s all very Eastern Bloc where a political dissident escapes the secret police to find his true love.  It also looks kind of desperate, but I’m splitting hairs.  

‘Let’s find our happily ever after’ group date:  Sean, Chris, and, Doug meet Emily in the dreary rain (Eastern European Vacations:  Come explore old Communism charm!).  This is the final group date and a rose will be given out.  They all jump in a horse driven carriage and visit a 13^th Century castle.  Doug thanks Emily for being a gracious hostess and as he’s speaking, I begin to think he seriously might have Aspergers.   There’s something off with this guy and again, I can’t believe he has a son by way of a sexual encounter with a woman.  Perhaps he gave Austin’s mother a kidney.

Doug and Emily go have one on one time where he fails on every level; he can’t execute smooth, easy conversation much less a casual touch of affection.  He gets weirder by the minute and after their talk, Emily knows what she needs to do.  They walk outside the castle and she’s gearing up to let him go.  But she’s using 100 words where 10 will do and pays for it dearly because, per usual, Doug can’t read a room and after 6 weeks, finally decides to plant a kiss on her while she’s sending him home.  Cringe worthy can’t even describe.  Doug just didn’t see this coming, and gets sent off in a van.  He’s says his girl-dar is off and recognizes he’s a day late and a dollar short.  And by a dollar short, Doug needed Henry Paulson, Ben Bernanke, and Timothy Geithner to save him.

(And after Daddy Doug got kicked, I dug this up.  A production coordinator with an internet connection couldn’t run a simple background check???  Have fun explaining this to Kalon at the Men Tell All.)

Emily muscles on to continue her group date with Sean and Chris.  Emily and Sean spend time together while Chris continues to stew like a Czech goulash.   When Chris finally gets Emily alone, he demands an explanation to why he didn’t get a one on one.  He’s being a whiny bitch but she has a soft spot for him.  They kiss and return back to Sean.  Chris has some of his swagger back.  But Emily still has to give out the group date rose and awards it to Sean.  One step forward, two steps back into a pile of poop.  Chris is insulted and says, “If I don’t get a hometown date I’ll be scared for anyone around me.”  These guys supposedly go through a battery of tests including a psych eval and STD test.  Per Chris’ recent behavior, he could quite possibly be a rage-aholic who also might have gonorrhea. 

‘This is your chance to pull at my heart strings’ one on one date with Jef:  Emily and Jef head out into Prague and come upon a marionette store.  They play with various marionettes and pick out two to resemble each other; Emily chooses an 18^th century maiden and Jef chooses Sonny Bono.   He then runs back to the store and buys one for little Ricki.  They continue onto a library where they act out a conversation using their marionettes.  Using his marionette he tells her, “I really like your nail polish.”

They continue to chat and Jef says he feels terrific and is crazy about “a girl.”  Great, I’m totally convinced you only like girls.  The hometown date comes up in conversation.  Jef cannot wait for Emily to meet his family.  BUT his parents won’t be there because they’re in South Carolina and are “committed to some stuff for a few years.”  He then rattles off the names of his 20 siblings but has a sister that will also not be present because she’s “in China.”  Jef says his family is VERY private.  I’m pretty sure one of the Mormons’ guiding principles is ‘Loose lips sink ships’ (I think I heard that on an episode of Big Love.)

How the fuck does he not inform Emily his family is Mormon???  Clearly his parents and sister are devout Mormons on missionary trips.  It’s a huge deal to know this going in.  Jef tells Emily that his parents’ approval means a lot and he’s has broken up with a girlfriend because they disapproved.  She’s slightly pulsed by this information but he convinces Christian Emily his parents will LOVE her.

They continue to talk having children and marriage; Emily is just over the Utah moon.  Emily jokes Jef will be the easy parent.  Wait until he’s deciding where Ricki will do her missionary trip.  And I hope she enjoys her wedding where no one but his LDS side of the family is allowed to attend.   Obviously everyone has the right to their personal choice of worship but Jef knows better.  This is 100% more egregious than Arie’s non-disclosure.   But Jef simply ends the date by telling Emily, “I want to date you so hard and marry the fuck out of you.”  Mary Mother of Joseph Smith. 

The Rose Ceremony:  The guys arrive.  John is still riding high as he sees Chris falling to pieces.  Chris feels he has grossly faltered and can’t wait to speak to her.  But once again, Emily is the boss of everybody and tells Chris her mind is made up and doesn’t want to go through the cocktail party.

Upon receiving this news from Chris Harrison, John feels he knocked it out of the park and with Chris crying like a baby, they all feel it’s a done deal that Chris is going home and hopefully makes a pit stop to seek out a mental health professional.

Emily begins the Rose Ceremony and explains since she had no unanswered questions as to who to send home, she decided not to have the cocktail party.  With Sean already in possession of a rose, Jef receives the first rose, Arie the second and it’s down to John and Chris.  Chris sees the coffin top closing, stops Emily and asks to speak privately.   

Emily accommodates Chris, he begs for his life apologizing for acting like a boy and for being disrespectful.  Of course she and the editors gives nothing away as to what her decision will be so they return back to the tension filled room.  And with the final rose, Emily calls out Chris’ name.  John looks rightfully shocked.  Chris’ temper tantrum and subsequent apology worked.  Emily walks John out, and he takes it like a man.  He’s shocked but Emily says she just felt other relationships moved further along.  Upon seeing the tape with Chris’ unstable behavior, Emily will know she should’ve sent Chris home.   Tuesday Morning Quarterback.

John ‘Wolf’ Wolfner, data destruction specialist from St. Louis, never got Emily to call him Wolf.  It just wasn’t her style.  And it turns out, John works with his father in their document shredding business and his Twitter @jwolfner shows he’s a huge golfer.  (For those who know me, this guy was custom made for me; I shred all my mail AND love guys in golf wear.)

Wolf handles his exit interview like a champ without crying like a junior high girl leaving summer camp.   He’ll enjoy riding the fame wave in St. Louis and I have no doubt there will be an abundant amount of 25 year old teachers, nurses and real estate agents to keep the dream alive.

Brace yourself for next week’s tricky hometown dates.  We all know by now the family can be a deal breaker (read: Bachelor Ben and Kacie).  As the old adage goes, you can choose your future husband on a reality tv show but you can’t choose his family. 

Aaron, 36, a biology teacher from Long Beach, CA
Alessandro, 30, a grain merchant from St. Paul, MN
Alejandro, 25, a mushroom farmer from San Francisco, CA
Arie, 30, a race car driver from Scottsdale, AZ
Brent, 41, a technology salesman from Fresno, CA
Charlie, 32, a recruiter from Nashville, TN
Chris, 25, a corporate sales director from Chicago, IL
David, 33, a singer/songwriter from New York, NY
Doug, 33, a real estate agent from Seattle, WA
Jackson, 29, a fitness model from Lockport, IL
Jean-Paul, 35, a marine biologist from Seattle, WA
Jef, 27, an entrepreneur from Salt Lake City, UT
Joe, 27, a field energy advisor from Los Angeles, CA
John “Wolf,” 30, a data destruction specialist from St. Louis, MO
Kalon, 27, a luxury brand consultant from Houston, TX
Kyle, 29, a financial advisor from Long Beach, CA
Lerone, 29, a real estate consultant from Los Angeles, CA
Michael, 26, a rehab counselor from Austin, TX
Nate, 25, an accountant from Los Angeles, CA
Randy, 30, a marketing manager from Hermosa Beach, CA
Ryan, 31, a pro sports trainer from Augusta, GA
Sean, 28, an insurance agent from Dallas, TX
Stevie, 26, a party MC from Staten Island, NY
Tony, 31, a lumber trader from Beaverton, OR
Travis, 30, an advertising sales representative from Madison, MS

Hope everyone had a great Father’s Day.  Obviously, I called my own father.  He informed me they got the much needed rain for the farmers’ crops and shared his strong concerns about the St. Louis Cardinals bullpen.  Eventually he called out to my mother to pick up. He said, “I think she’s watching Oprah interview with the Kardashians.”  Happy Father’s Day! 

My guess is little Ricki, Emily and daddy to be ‘X’ started the day with a handmade card addressed to ‘My New Friend _______’ and chocolate chip pancakes in a secret location in either NYC or LA.   Father’s Day reminds us Emily had a huge responsibility to choose a good father on behalf of an 8 year old.   Then again, nobody truly gets to choose their father, so Ricki you’re just like the rest of us.  And hopefully she wins the father jackpot like I did.  

Emily has decided to send Ricki back to the States as she continues onto Croatia.   What I now know about Croatia is they are responsible for the modern necktie (cravat) and they held the 2009 World’s Men’s Handball Championship.  SOLD.

The Elite Eight, Ryan, Travis, John/Wolf, Chris, Doug, Arie, Jef and Sean, have all made it to Dubrovnik, Croatia.  With the smaller pool of men, Emily hand delivers the first one on one date card to Travis. Per usual there will be two one on one dates and one group date. 

‘Let’s look for love beyond the walls…’ one on one date with Travis:  Emily thinks it’ll be perfect to take Travis to old city Dubrovnik because he’s from Mississippi, she’s from West Virginia so it’ll be like “two fish out of water”.  OR two hillbillies in Croatia.  Or in Travis’ case, two hillbillies who are just friends in Croatia.  They both know this is the date that determines if Travis can get out of the friend zone. 

Travis discloses he was engaged but it ended 2 years ago and he’s ready to find love again.  They visit street vendors, buy ice cream and come upon a local custom called the ‘balancing stone’.  The balancing stone is stone gargoyle sticking out of a wall.  You are to balance on the top of the stone AND take your shirt off.  If you are successful, you will find love.   Of course Travis blows it and doesn’t take his shirt off.  Emily is disappointed.  Conversely, Travis is probably more bummed Emily didn’t take off her shirt.   And listen, if all you have to do to be lucky in love is stand on stuff and take your shirt off in public I would’ve been married in grade school.   Or anytime I did karaoke in the late 90s.

Travis and Emily further discuss his broken engagement at dinner.   Emily presses Travis and discovers the Travis factory has been closed for business for the entire 2 years since his break up.  Back at the hotel the group date card arrives.  It’s revealed that Ryan will get the last one on one date.  No one is happier for Ryan, than Ryan.

Travis continues to open up and tells Emily she’s exactly the kind of woman he normally dates with a great attitude.  Unfortunately, since he’s the only person left in America who doesn’t see they simply don’t have a romantic connection, Emily has to kindly let Travis go.

(Travis’ ex-fiance. Well, at least he’s not a liar.  She looks fancy.)

Walking down a dark street, in the cold, rainy Croatian night, Travis throws his umbrella into the street.  He is extremely hurt and upset by this blindsided result.  He says rejection sucks with a capital S-U-C-K and has a heart THIS big.  I think he’s a genuinely nice guy and I predict he’ll find a former Bachelor contestant on one of those Bachelor/Bachelorette cruises or Vegas trips they all participate in. 

‘Lasting love requires bravery’ group date:  Sean, Jef, Chris, Arie, John/Wolf, Doug.  Embracing the bravery theme, John/Wolf isn’t scared of much and says, “The scarier the better, higher the better, faster the better.” 

Well, Wolf, steel yourself because Emily is taking you guys to preview Disney/ Pixar’s ‘Brave’.  At this point, not only does ABC not attempt to mask their parent company Disney tie in, they don’t attempt for it to make any sense.  While it’s true the fair Scottish maiden has men vying for her hand in marriage, I believe that’s where any parallel between The Bachelorette and this animated children’s movie ends.  I don’t know much about the movie but it appears this girl doesn’t want to be wed and is more Katniss/Hunger Games than Bachelorette Emily. 

Emily then informs the men that just like in the movie, they will also be participating in their own Scottish Highland games. While wearing kilts.  In Croatia.  Maybe Croatian games like fishing or counting goats doesn’t seem as exciting but at least it would’ve made sense. 

Let the games begin:  The men ride in on donkeys where Emily explains that in Croatia it’s  totally customary for men to ride donkeys into battle while Scottish bagpipes are playing.  The men will compete in archery, caber toss (aka log toss) and maide leisg (think a one on one tug of war).

Emily kicks off the archery competition and every guy shows a respectable effort getting close to the bull’s eye.  Chris is the last to go and feels this is his time to make a move to recapture some of the momentum he had early on. Chris assumes the position utilizing the most awkward pose and misses the target all together.   The guys all have a good laugh at his expense. 

They move onto the caber toss and Chris volunteers to go first to hopefully recover from the archery debacle.  Chris pitches his log but is DQ’d because he failed to throw the log to where it flips over.  Chris looks to be one of the more physically fit guys but unfortunately, it turns out Chris is a man with a BMW 7 series body with the power and agility of a Ford Aspire.  At least Jef was also unable to launch his log.  And Sean literally throws his log so hard, it breaks.  

The last event is the maide leisg.  Emily will choose the first name and that person gets to pick their opponent.  Of course, Emily picks Chris’ name out of the helmet full of pieces of paper with Chris’ name on them.  Chris is BRAVE (you’re welcome Disney/Pixar) and selects Doug, second only to Sean in the guns department.  Of course, Doug handily beats Chris proving that Chris officially has no tickets to the gun show. 

Despite the fact Sean won the games, Emily awards Chris the Bravery Cup for volunteering to go first, picking a tough competitor and accepting defeat with a smile.  Good thing Charlie wasn’t there or Chris would’ve lost out on the cup, too. 

At the Highland Games after party Emily reassures Sean, Arie handles things like a boss by pressing her up against a building to make out with her and Emily gives Jef the business about taking so long to kiss her and asks why it took him so long.  Jef replies, “I’m scared of you.”  Another week and I just don’t get his appeal.  Chris capitalizes on his bravery momentum – slash -  Emily continues to feel sorry for his poor athletic performance and she gives Chris the group rose. 

‘The world is our oyster’ one on one date with Ryan  is what we’ve all come here to see since this has become the most boring Bachelorette season ever.  She got rid of one *lack luster villain and is wising up to Ryan.  How can we make fun of all his egotistical self observations if he’s not here Emily???  (*Take the time to read the link as long as your stomach allows.  I only search for ‘dirt’ on the men after they are dumped.  Kalon is a complete psychopath.)

Ryan claims he wakes up every day and asks himself, “Who do you want to be today?” If we poll everyone who’s known him since high school, the answer has to be the guy who shows up at social events uninvited. And if he’s such a perfectionist, why waste time asking a rhetorical question? No one is more confident in who he is more than Ryan. 

Emily arrives to pick up Ryan and they embark on a road trip.  To no one’s surprise, Ryan tells her he’s a very safe driver and doesn’t get into accidents.   This guy is just outstanding.  I don’t want him to leave ever because then it’s just me making fun of the nicest guys ever to appear on this show. 

Ryan and Emily drive to a seaside town and visit an oyster boat.  The handsome oyster fisherman offers them fresh oysters.  Emily is unsure and Ryan coaxes her into shooting it down.  Emily follows his lead but spits her oyster out into the sea.  In Ryan’s pursuit to be his ‘very best’, he tells Emily she’d make a great trophy wife and Emily is quick to point out that trophies don’t talk back.  

During dinner, Ryan’s feeling confident in his turquoise shoes and wishes he had a rose to give to Emily.  Ryan has 12 qualities he wants in wife that he’s taken to paper to share with Emily.  The abridged version:  loyal, logical (thinks before she speaks/reacts), enourager, never ridicules me, faithful, nurturer, confident, magnetic, people are drawn to her, loves to laugh, servant (family before herself), unselfish, beautiful, sexy personality, catches my eye.   This guy is a panty dropper.

Emily brings down the honesty hammer and tells Ryan that she feels like she would have to always be perfect and fit into a mold with him.  Once again, he thinks she’s complimenting him.  She reaches for the rose, recounts the highlights of their time together, but says his list was lacking and that #1 on her list would be a loving family and not a perfect one.  Emily clearly tells him she’s not giving him the rose.  Ryan is shocked, tells her he can’t help to think she’s making the wrong decision and can’t take no for an answer.  I’m afraid he’s going to punch her in the teeth.  But he sees her wavering and pleads his case.  But in the end, Emily knows he’s the full of shit, condescending, verbally abusive guy who would’ve made Ricki lose weight for Christmas presents.  

Ryan is baffled he’s a loser and not a winner.  He’ll miss the same guys who are jumping for joy at his departure.  Ryan will return to Augusta, GA and plot to become the next Bachelor with all those media contacts.  But first, Ryan has suddenly become worried the editors will cut him up to be an arrogant ass.  That is a lot of lipstick to put on a pig.  Good luck moving to Hollywood to be a personal trainer, stalking the series producers and creeping out your improv comedy classmates. 

Arie sneaks away from the guys and goes to check on Emily.  They sit on her bed since Ricki’s not there to cock block him.  Arie commends her for her good judgment in character sending Ryan packing, and they make out on the bed.  (This is why the Bachelor is such a better show where sluts like Courtney take guys like Ben skinny dipping.)  Emily eventually walks Arie to the door and he races off into the night hiding his boner. 

The Rose Ceremony:  Emily states right off that if she’s sending anyone home tonight it’ll be John.  He’s my hands down favorite, reminds me of all my good guys from back home but I don’t think he’s the one for her.  And I’m not entirely sold he’s ready for the instant family.  I know ‘this’ guy and if he wanted to be, he’d be married by 30, living in St. Louis county with a wife and 2 kids.  Emily sits down with him and John pulls out his wallet where he keeps his grandparents’ funeral cards.  He tears up speaking of their love.  Emily is impressed and they share a kiss.  John has pulled himself off the ledge but again, while not looking like a total idiot.   My crush on John continues to grow and I can’t wait to stalk him when I go to St. Louis in July. 

Doug knows he’s behind the rest of the pack and she literally has to force him to touch her.  They speak about his ever present self-deprecation and she forces him to up his confidence.  Such a waste; so good looking, physically fit, smart, well spoken, thoughtful, kind, has witty moments but zero confidence.  How did he knock up some girl in the first place?  But Emily still finds something special in Doug.  I think she’s afraid she’ll let go of the best fit for Ricki and is hoping the spark will come by the next time she sees him during production (shaking head).  

Emily begins the rose ceremony but when she gets down to final rose between Doug and John, she stops and finds a surprised Chris Harrison.  She’s conflicted and Chris tells her there are no rules.  Emily returns, tells the men she can’t give out the final rose.  Chris then interrupts her and bringing her the ‘extra’ rose she requested. Both John and Doug are safe.  Emily is the Norma Rae of The Bachelorette.

Emily tells all six guys they are headed to Prague.  They clink their glasses and next week teases Chris’ building insecurities and a Bachelorette scandal.  Apparently Arie had a prior relationship with a Bachelorette producer.  The hot, wealthy race car driver in a scandal?  These things are never as bad as they appear, right? 

THE BACHELORS:

Aaron, 36, a biology teacher from Long Beach, CA
Alessandro, 30, a grain merchant from St. Paul, MN
Alejandro, 25, a mushroom farmer from San Francisco, CA
Arie, 30, a race car driver from Scottsdale, AZ
Brent, 41, a technology salesman from Fresno, CA
Charlie, 32, a recruiter from Nashville, TN
Chris, 25, a corporate sales director from Chicago, IL
David, 33, a singer/songwriter from New York, NY
Doug, 33, a real estate agent from Seattle, WA
Jackson, 29, a fitness model from Lockport, IL
Jean-Paul, 35, a marine biologist from Seattle, WA
Jef, 27, an entrepreneur from Salt Lake City, UT
Joe, 27, a field energy advisor from Los Angeles, CA
John “Wolf,” 30, a data destruction specialist from St. Louis, MO
Kalon, 27, a luxury brand consultant from Houston, TX
Kyle, 29, a financial advisor from Long Beach, CA
Lerone, 29, a real estate consultant from Los Angeles, CA
Michael, 26, a rehab counselor from Austin, TX
Nate, 25, an accountant from Los Angeles, CA
Randy, 30, a marketing manager from Hermosa Beach, CA
Ryan, 31, a pro sports trainer from Augusta, GA
Sean, 28, an insurance agent from Dallas, TX
Stevie, 26, a party MC from Staten Island, NY
Tony, 31, a lumber trader from Beaverton, OR
Travis, 30, an advertising sales representative from Madison, MS

Yesterday was my birthday.  I’m not a huge birthday person but my day was met with beautiful gestures, gifts and wishes from my amazing friends and family.  But, one gesture, in particular, really stood out.  One of my dearest friends wouldn’t accept my unwillingness to plan any celebrations and told me to clear my schedule on Saturday.  She said to be ready by 3 pm and dress casual for an outdoor activity.  You have to know that I avoid being outdoors like I avoid drinking water.  I like clean, indoor restrooms, televisions and air conditioning.   Upon hearing ‘outdoor’ I pressed her to just tell me because well, there are different outfits and shoes for different outdoor activities.  She reluctantly ruined the surprise and said she got hooked up with “premier valet parking and best seats in the house” Dodger tickets.  Great.  Perfect.  Baseball, Bud Light, Dodger Dogs, nachos, pretzels with cheese…Happy Fucking Birthday to me.  And then I checked Dodgers.com.  As it turns out, my friend DID get hooked up with VIP tickets for the Dodger game.  In Seattle. 

As always, it’s the effort that truly counts.  And hey, if I had boyfriend or husband, I wouldn’t have this funny story about that one birthday where we didn’t go to the Dodger game.  See Emily, you’re gonna miss out on all this fun.  Let’s start…

Emily and Ricki are enjoying sightseeing in London.   Emily is stoked since they don’t have similar architecture in Charlotte.  And everything is “old”. 

10 guys remain and have arrived in London.  Chris Harrison explains there are 2 one on one dates and one group dates.  The guys get settled at the May Fair Hotel.   Greasy Ryan, again reminding us this show is actually The Bachelor: Ryan Bowers, thinks London is an “unbelievable backdrop for her to continue to develop a relationship with me.”   John/Wolf announces that Sean will get the first, and his first, one on one date. 

Once again, Kalon is “annoyed at everything” by not receiving a one on one date and says,”The hardest part is not having control of the scenario and it not ever ending up as I planned.”  Question answered, people; Kalon is totally ready to be married with kids.  Can you imagine if Ricki got sick destroying their evening plans to attend the Houston Ballet???  That would be so annoying.  And his teeth are as real as his chin implants.   Am I right ladies?   

‘Love takes no prisoners’ one on one date begins with sightseeing on a double decker bus with Emily as his tour guide.  I’m shocked she hasn’t said ‘because this is what I would do with my husband.’  Emily shows Sean Buckingham Palace where she points out the balcony where Prince William and Kate shared a kiss.  Sean also gets a kiss to commemorate his date with Emily.  Emily later tells Sean that guys who look like him are usually boring.  They stumble upon Speakers’ Corner in Hyde Park and Sean is encouraged to speak and takes the opportunity to wax on love.  Emily is impressed with his mad oratory skillz .  Again, I think Sean is an easy final 3 but again, he’ll probably be the guy she knows is the safe choice but Arie will be standing in the way with his fancy race car. 

Emily and Sean have dinner at the Tower of London where tour guide Emily informs Sean that Henry VIII locked up all six of his wives and beheaded two.  I think her history is partly right.  The date goes well with talk of how many kids he wants and Sean’s fate ends with a rose.  “This is some bullshit right here.” – Ghost of Anne Boleyn.

Back at the May Fair , the date card arrives and reads: A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.  It takes these college graduates 2 minutes too long to realize this is Shakespeare.  Chris, Arie, Ryan, Doug, Alejandro, Travis, John, and Kalon get the call.  Kalon thinks tomorrow isn’t going to smell sweet but like shit.  I completely agree.  This also means Jef’s got the next one on one.

“A rose by any other name…” group date  takes the gang to Stratford-upon-Avon, Shakespeare’s birthplace and home of the Royal Shakespeare Theater.  My brother performed as Dumaine in a production of Love’s Labor’s, Lost at the Royal Shakespeare Theater.  By my own admission, and this blog, clearly he and I do not share the same interests.   

They will all be performing scenes from Romeo & Juliet.   Charlie would’ve thrown up once he figured out what was afoot.  Arie is very uncomfortable and says he hates acting.  (Says the guy who will share a walk-on part with Emily on ABC’s Suburgatory next season.)  The guys audition in front of three Shakespeare experts who will base roles on the guys’ performances.   As expected, the auditions are a disaster with Travis later admitting that Shakespeare is HUGE in Madison, Mississippi.  He’s having the most fun with this exercise.  I now love Travis.

Alejandro, John, Ryan and Kalon are the four Romeos who will take on different scenes are.  Arie and Doug are relegated to roles of female nurses.   

Kalon claims he was born to play this role and during his rehearsals with Ryan, Emily checks in.  Kalon thinks she and Ryan are horsing about and tells Emily they need to continue to rehearse and that she can ‘run along’ using the universal hand gesture for running along.  For those who PERSONALLY know me, imagine a guy telling me to ‘run along’ on a reality tv show.  Fun, right? 

Emily says in her post interview that Kalon ‘shooed’ her away and he needs to relax because it’s not like he’s on Broadway.   Broadway is my absolute favorite place to catch some great Shakespeare. 

The performances begin.   Travis brings humor.  John/Wolf has enough fun while still looking as cool as possible.  Doug also has fun with it but per usual, never looks as cool as possible.  And Arie won both Emily and the crowd over with his portrayal of a woman.  Ryan takes some douchebag liberties to steal two kisses during the death scene.   Travis says, “That sack sucker got two kisses!  Shakespeare wouldn’t like that.”  Yep, if Shakespeare were alive today, he would totally hate ‘sack suckers’.  But apparently ABC’s Standard & Practices does NOT hate ‘sack suckers’.

Emily and the guys go to Cox’s Yard pub, for some beers.   While Emily chats one on one, it’s discussed amongst the men how Kalon’s been saying some rude things in regards to Emily’s daughter:  “Pretty much any date is going to be a group date with you, her and Ricki.”  “Yeah, I’ll get a chance to talk to an exhausted, sick mother who has a child waiting for her.” And according to Chris and others, he referred to Ricki as the B word, ‘baggage’.  Chris decides to light the fuse by telling Daddy Doug.  Doug rather calmly asks Kalon about his words.  Kalon doesn’t deny or apologize but claims the word baggage has a negative connotation.  Just like the word ‘compromise’.  Where do they find these wordsmiths? 

Rightfully so, Doug decides he must tell Emily what Kalon has said.  Emily decides to go, and I quote,”West Virginia, hood rat, backwoods on his ass.”  She returns back to the group where she confronts Kalon.  Kalon admits the word baggage was used but again, the word holds that tricky negative connotation.  He then attempts to interrupt Emily where she tells him, “Let me talk. I love to hear you talk but not until I’m done- I got that line from you.”    Emily asks is there anything Kalon can say to discount his choice of words.  Kalon says no to which Emily replies, “Then get the fuck out.”  HOOD RAT, HOOD RAT, BACKWOODS MOMMA!  

My only issue with the way Emily handled the situation is she refuses to give out the group rose and blames the guys for not telling her sooner.  Ultimately Kalon was talking shit about Ricki and if I’m in her position, sure, I’d want to know especially if it involved my daughter.  But Doug should’ve gotten the group rose because he DID tell her once he found out about the usage of the B word.  And in the other guys’ defense, it’s just not in a man’s nature to rat someone out.  Snitches get stitches.  Or an axe to the face while Hip To Be Square by Huey Lewis and The News plays.

Now the one on one with Jef might seem very anti-climactic after Kalon shit in his own mouth, but there are some key highlights.  Emily and Jef first attempt to have a formal English tea with assistance from expert, Jean who is there to navigate these two American apes on tea etiquette.  Em and Jef ‘pretend’ to just ‘bolt’ and Jean ‘pretends’ to be ‘shocked’.  This is good, nay, GREAT television.  They run off to a pub and order beers and fish and chips.  The conversation is easy even when Jef admits he was an actual witness to Kalon using the B word.   But Jef uses the B word to his advantage and says, “If Ricki’s baggage then she’s a Chloé handbag that I want to have forever.”   Ooookay, I know what you’re ALL thinking:  He’s a Mormon from Salt Lake City…where did he learn the word Chloé?  

Later they go to dinner at the famous landmark London Eye.  Emily realizes Jef is taking things really slow.  And it’s probably not at all because he covets Chloé handbags and vintage Louis Vuitton luggage.  But Emily is smitten and suggests what happens if she and Ricki move to SLC.  Jef says that it will be dance parties all night with him and Ricki just dancing and singing into brushes.   He then uses ‘best friend’10x to describe what he’s looking for.   Listen, I’m not going to yell fire in a crowded pub but there’s some smoke coming out of some closet, somewhere.  In his attempts to prove us he’s straight, Jef finally asks Emily for the long awaited first kiss.  I hope they both find love.  Emily with Arie, Jef with another ex-communicated Mormon man where they will live in Soho and vacation in the Maldives.       

Rose Ceremony:  During cocktail hour, Emily still can’t let the feeling go that the guys didn’t have her back.  Since she obviously likes Arie, she really gives him the business for him not ratting out Kalon.  Ryan continues to display the baffling confidence of a high school jock repeating his senior year and performs more Shakespeare.  Emily admits she’s falling for his ‘charm’ and she actually kisses him of her own free will.   She spends time with Sean and from the looks of it, Sean just slingshot passed Arie on the outside wall and is now in first position.  But we all know there are a lot of laps left in the race to win Emily’s heart. 

Emily hands out roses and continues to punish Arie by making him wait to get the last rose between him and Alejandro.  See you at the Men Tells All Alejandro where you won’t say a word there either.  And I’ll really miss American Psycho- wait, no I won’t.  He was brought on to be the villain and couldn’t even be bothered to put in the effort to be a true Bachelorette villain.  Good news, #1 and #2 – you’re still secure in the standings.   Parting is such sweet sorrow…til next week.

THE BACHELORS:

Aaron, 36, a biology teacher from Long Beach, CA
Alessandro, 30, a grain merchant from St. Paul, MN
Alejandro, 25, a mushroom farmer from San Francisco, CA
Arie, 30, a race car driver from Scottsdale, AZ
Brent, 41, a technology salesman from Fresno, CA
Charlie, 32, a recruiter from Nashville, TN
Chris, 25, a corporate sales director from Chicago, IL
David, 33, a singer/songwriter from New York, NY
Doug, 33, a real estate agent from Seattle, WA
Jackson, 29, a fitness model from Lockport, IL
Jean-Paul, 35, a marine biologist from Seattle, WA
Jef, 27, an entrepreneur from Salt Lake City, UT
Joe, 27, a field energy advisor from Los Angeles, CA
John “Wolf,” 30, a data destruction specialist from St. Louis, MO
Kalon, 27, a luxury brand consultant from Houston, TX
Kyle, 29, a financial advisor from Long Beach, CA
Lerone, 29, a real estate consultant from Los Angeles, CA
Michael, 26, a rehab counselor from Austin, TX
Nate, 25, an accountant from Los Angeles, CA
Randy, 30, a marketing manager from Hermosa Beach, CA
Ryan, 31, a pro sports trainer from Augusta, GA
Sean, 28, an insurance agent from Dallas, TX
Stevie, 26, a party MC from Staten Island, NY
Tony, 31, a lumber trader from Beaverton, OR
Travis, 30, an advertising sales representative from Madison, MS

Personally, I’m having a really crappy night and doubtful making fun of these guys can change that.  But I’m willing to try.  We have 13 guys standing and I’m in the mood to say mean things about them all in order to make me feel better.      

We jump right in with master of ceremonies Chris Harrisoninforming the guys they are bidding Charlotte, North Carolina adieu and heading to Bermuda.  To quote Kenny Powers, “It’s about time mother fucker.”  There will be a one on one date, a group date and the always feared 50/50 date where Emily takes 2 guys on a date with only one left standing afterwards. 

Of course Ricki accompanies Emily to Bermuda.   Emily is happy that her daughter will be with her every step of the way.   How Emily will look her daughter in the eye the morning after her fantasy suite dates will be the stuff single mothers are truly made of.

The 13 Bachelors storm the Rosewood Tuckers Point Resort on scooters.  Quickly it’s announced Daddy Doug gets the one on one date.  Remember last week when I said it’ll be important for Doug not to worry about the other guys but that he’ll probably not do that?  Well, Doug is extremely nervous about his date and the other guys are seconds from making him cry when Emily walks in.    

‘Let our senses lead the way’ one on one date.   Emily takes Doug shopping because, again, she informs us that’s what married couples would do.  Like going to a tourist shop, The Bermuda Perfumery.  Being married looks awesome.  Emily thinks Doug is the perfect guy, asks him how he arrived at such perfection and of course he says by being a dad.  Doug then explains how he showing his son how one man can change the world by starting a charity.  Either Doug is truly this disgustingly nice or he drove away from a pedestrian hit and run when he was 20 and is now making good for the rest of his life. 

Doug admits he does have bad days and tells Emily, case in point, right before she came into the suite, he had just ‘schoolded’ all the boys.  Oh so he’s THAT guy.  The guy who only remembers a situation completely incorrectly and makes up new words.    Emily then thinks it would be a great idea to send his son a postcard from Bermuda.  She writes Austin that she hopes she can play Legos with him sometime.  I’m shocked Emily would make such an error.  I’m not a mom but even I know not to be cavalier with Legos playing invites with a child if you’re not wholly prepared to make good.   Emily then takes Doug to a Bermuda tradition called the Moon Gate where couples are to make a wish and walk through a dumb archway.   Emily wishes that she won’t be single forever.  Well going on the Bachelorette/Bachelor where she’s already been a casualty of the 99.99% failure rate is a good start to making her wish come true. 

Later at dinner, Emily gets down to business feeling that Doug is too good to be true.  She poses if she asked his ex-girlfriend what her complaints would be, his response is, “I spend too much time with my son.”  And he didn’t wash her car enough.   Really Doug?  The ol’ ‘I’m too detail oriented’ job interview response?   Emily is becoming annoyed and he thinks she’s complimenting him.  Then she tries to prove a point by listing her flaws; she’s stubborn, she doesn’t go to the gym, she wears her pajamas to run errands.  Of course he thinks they’re all endearing.  She should’ve said she clips her toe nails and chews on them.  Or likes the smell of her own feet (I read that in a Christina Ricci interview years ago and it REALLY stuck with me.)

Emily lets Doug gets off the hook and gets the rose.  Doug then speaks in the third person telling us if Emily wants a kiss from Doug, she’ll let Doug know.   He further reveals Doug never makes the first move ya know, since women hate it when guys act like a real man.

Group date goes to Charlie, Ryan, Chris, Sean, Jef, Arie, Kalon and Travis.  This leaves Nate, Wolf, and Alejandro up for the 50/50 date.  The guys are divided into 2 groups for a sail boat race to win more time with Emily.  Charlie, Chris, Travis and Sean are on the red team and Jef, Arie, Kalon and Ryan are on the yellow team.  

Travis from Madison, MS, is a huge shit talker and is basically a template for a Southern jagoff.  Not including the run of the mill racist fucknecks, I believe there are 3 categories of a Southern man; the classic, true Southern gentleman, the pretentious Southern forever frat guy who relies solely on the fact he’s Southern and may or may not rock the hairstyle made famous by the Hoover, Alabama high school football team and the harmless but creeper Southern guy who drinks too much, laughs too hard at his own jokes, and will make his daughter sit on his lap way past the appropriate age to do so.  Travis is 100% the latter. 

The yellow team wins the race and the red team heads back to the resort in defeat.  No one is more upset than Charlie.  We know this because he’s SOBBING.  And the fact that no one is saying anything only proves that all the guys are giving him a pass because it’s not nice to make fun of the slow guy with a titanium plate in his head. 

At the beginning of the winning team’s night with Emily, Ryan toasts to his potential trophy wife.  This guy does…not…quit.  And Ryan doesn’t fall into any of the aforementioned Southern men categories because he’s purely a man of his own making.  By kissing Arie during the last Rose Ceremony, Ryan informs Emily she isn’t using her Bachelorette platform in a responsible way to show young women how to behave.  I hope someone slips drugs in his luggage and he is detained in a Bermuda prison til his roids wear off.

Jef from Salt Lake gets the group date rose but leaves Emily hanging in the kiss department.   Dollars to donuts he’s Mormon.  Emily needs to know she’s facing down the barrel of an LDS gun and a future filled with mission trips, sex sheets with a hole, and 3.2% beer.

50/50 date with Wolf and Nate:   I’m pained to see that the two most attractive men in the game are pitted against each other.  Remember, Emily was very taken with Nate when he got out of the limo.  The producers have clearly picked the two guys who have played a cautious game. 

They go diving and then to dinner in a cave.  The 2 on 1 cave date starts off with a bang with Nate pointing out they’ve been served quinoa.   Nate’s mispronouncing it but no matter because Wolf /John from St. Louis has never heard of it and isn’t going to eat it.  I know for a fact there’s only one Whole Foods in the St. Louis area and they probably don’t even sell quinoa.   

During Nate’s one on one, you can tell he’s the nicest guy and he gets choked up speaking of his family in the way one might giving a valedictorian speech.  That’s not to say he’s not genuine because he is totally nothing but.  He just seems really young.   But still really hot. 

John (Emily refuses to call him Wolf) and Emily’s one on one is vastly different but in a good, surprising way.  John is a guy’s guy, well spoken, gets better looking by the episode and isn’t going to look like an idiot.  Regardless of how far he goes, he’ll be a winner by not looking stupid on national television.   

Emily realizes Nate is as young as he is sweet and gives Wolf the rose.  Nate will return to Los Angeles where I’m sure he’ll do just fine on the Santa Monica bar circuit. 

Rose Ceremony:  Emily greets the guys and has one on one time with Alejandro, whom she has not spent much time with.  Alejandro wears two earrings.   But the real shining cubic zirconia of the night is Ryan.  Apparently, Ryan’s going to be the one deciding if Emily is the one for him.   This is a man that’s been smiled on by God to do great things and if RYAN doesn’t pick EMILY, he feels he’d make a great Bachelor.   Womankind, you’ve been warned.

Arie gets a little girlie asking Emily how she feels about him, Sean gets his usual QT, Kalon is being quiet after last week’s stand out performance and Jef, all confident with his group date rose, has clearly taken to the local culture rocking Bermuda shorts and knee high socks.  Mormons are fun.

Chris whines to Emily he’s getting shit for being too young.   He works himself up into a frenzy and is compelled to confront Doug.  And while it’s true that Doug doesn’t feel Chris is ready to be a father and a husband, Chris is letting his emotions get the best of him.   During the confrontation, we see some fire in Doug that makes him more real.   Chris tells Doug he’s over the top humble.  He’s not wrong and should’ve just lead with that.  Chris gets so worked up while Doug keeps his cool that it’s now advantage Doug. 

Emily must send 2 guys packing.  She admits to Chris Harrison that Ryan isn’t fooling her but ultimately she sends some guy named Michael home and does the humane thing by letting Charlie go.   Both men cry for no reason whatsoever.  I wish Charlie the best, and hopes he continues to recover.  Every pot has a lid. 

Emily tells the remaining 10 they’re headed to London.  And next week’s teaser previews someone calling Ricki baggage and Emily telling that person to get the fuck out.  Me thinks Kalon couldn’t let Ryan steal all the sound bite thunder.   See you all next week in London Town…

THE BACHELORS:

Aaron, 36, a biology teacher from Long Beach, CA
Alessandro, 30, a grain merchant from St. Paul, MN
Alejandro, 25, a mushroom farmer from San Francisco, CA
Arie, 30, a race car driver from Scottsdale, AZ
Brent, 41, a technology salesman from Fresno, CA
Charlie, 32, a recruiter from Nashville, TN
Chris, 25, a corporate sales director from Chicago, IL
David, 33, a singer/songwriter from New York, NY
Doug, 33, a real estate agent from Seattle, WA
Jackson, 29, a fitness model from Lockport, IL
Jean-Paul, 35, a marine biologist from Seattle, WA
Jef, 27, an entrepreneur from Salt Lake City, UT
Joe, 27, a field energy advisor from Los Angeles, CA
John “Wolf,” 30, a data destruction specialist from St. Louis, MO
Kalon, 27, a luxury brand consultant from Houston, TX
Kyle, 29, a financial advisor from Long Beach, CA
Lerone, 29, a real estate consultant from Los Angeles, CA
Michael, 26, a rehab counselor from Austin, TX
Nate, 25, an accountant from Los Angeles, CA
Randy, 30, a marketing manager from Hermosa Beach, CA
Ryan, 31, a pro sports trainer from Augusta, GA
Sean, 28, an insurance agent from Dallas, TX
Stevie, 26, a party MC from Staten Island, NY
Tony, 31, a lumber trader from Beaverton, OR
Travis, 30, an advertising sales representative from Madison, MS

Hope everyone had a great Memorial Day Weekend.  For me, I got a small glimpse of what it’s like to be a mommy for the past 72 hours.   I learned that things like Twitter, Facebook, email, finding your cell phone, or taking a shower are not priorities when you’re caring for a child.  And a solid 15 minute nap can be the difference of falling asleep at 8:30 vs. 11 at night.  Despite Emily having the financial backing of a racing empire, being a parent, much less a single one, is a crap ton of work.   So that said, I feel I can better empathize with Em that it’s important to first, find a GREAT daddy and second, a GOOD husband.   

Emily gets breakfast in bed from her momma who is watching Ricki while her daughter dates 20 men.  Her 2012 Christmas letter is gonna be a page turner.

Chicago Chris gets the first one on one date of the week.  Emily takes Chris on a walk through downtown Charlotte.  Glad to see the producers decided to keep this installment fresh by having the couple scale the tallest building around.  Well, at least there’s an additional life threatening element:  Let’s harness them up with metal hooks while using the most electricity in the city for the location shoot on top of the tallest building in Charlotte with lightening just a few miles away.  Emily is terrified but wouldn’t want anyone else next to her.  I’d prefer a special forces member over a corporate sales director from Chicago, but I’m not the Bachelorette.

Emily is definitely a fan of Chris but then discovers he’s 25.  She admits she thought he was older than she is (read: Chris looks 42 years old).  Chris quells her fears by telling her he left for college at 17 and it ‘made him grow up quicker’.  I don’t know about anyone else but college set a high standard for my immaturity.  I’ve been in arrested development ever since.

Chris tells her he’s a man and is ready to be a dad.  He gets the rose.  Clearly the producers are playing with the cards that have been dealt to them by being stuck in Charlotte, so they put on another community concert by country star Luke Bryant.  They slow dance, Chris asks for a kiss and gets his wish and says this is the top moment of his life.

Group date goes to Charlie, Alejandro, Stevie, Ryan, Alessandro, Sean, John, Michael, Doug, Jef, Tony and Travis.  Earlier, Tony talks to his kid which is unfortunate because Tony has the least sexually attractive voice in the world.  As the old adage goes; if it walks like a dork and quacks like a dork, it’s probably a dork.

Emily takes the guys to a local park to ‘play’ sports.  Wow, if Charlotte’s not careful, it’s gonna become the next hot spring break destination.   She lets the guys kick and throw some balls around but then springs her 4 best girlfriends to grill them.  Emily says if it works out, they’ll be your friends, too.  Emily is not a born salesman.

The grilling rundown:  Travis brings Shelly the egg (shit, how did I forget about the fucking egg?!?), they love Daddy Doug, MC Stevie pops and locks like a dingus, obviously Tony talks about his #1 priority, and one of her friends sexually HARASSES Sean.

Emily then brings out 100 screaming kids so the men can play with them to determine who will be a great dad.  What a great test because most dads hate that part of ‘helping’ out with the children.  Soon creepy Ryan (his southern accent only makes him creepier) takes an opportunity to go chat up Emily and the gals.  In keeping with the girl talk they were enjoying, Ryan tells Emily and friends that if she gets fat he won’t fuck her ‘as much’.   Everyone appears slightly annoyed but really, her friends are the worst.  Had he said that in front of MY best friend, I would’ve come unglued, kicked him in his funny business and sent his too pronounced square jawed ass home.  You can gain and lose fat; asshole is forever.

Later at dinner, on her friends’ reccos, Emily gives Sean and Doug one on one time.  Doug did a nice job w/out being too intense and I’m warming up to him.  He needs to play smart and not worry himself about the other guys.  Yeah, I know, wishful thinking.

Tony continues to make himself look as non-sexual as possible by crying to Emily about his son.  (Real talk; between the voice and his facial features, it looks like he might be just on other side of dwarfism.) While feeling super vulnerable about his kid, Tony wisely calls the kid.  He starts crying, again, and Emily approaches.  Emily tells Tony that it would be best for him to go back to his kid because she finds him gross and thinks he’s a total pussy.  I’m paraphrasing.   I actually laughed aloud watching Tony’s face change realizing she wasn’t empathizing with him but calling his bluff and sending him home. 

After telling the guys she let Tony go to reunite with his #1 priority, Sean gets the group date rose. 

One on one date #2 goes to Arie.  Emily flies him to Dollywood in nearby Pigeon Forge, TN.  It’s another location that holds fun family memories for Emily.  Pretty sure Arie’s idea for a fun get away wasn’t a honky tonk amusement park but what does he know…IT’S FUCKING DOLLYWOOD, YA’LL!!!  Spoiler alert: Emily is a HUGE Dolly fan. After playing games and riding rides, they walk into a theater where Emily is ‘surprised’ by Dolly Parton.  Dolly sings a special song written just for Em and talks one on one with her.  FTR, I LOVE Dolly Parton and 2 out of my 8 readers accompanied me to a Dolly Parton show a few years back.  Pretty sure we were the only Asian girl/2 straight guys combo in the building.  Like Emily, I actually teared up as Dolly sang one more time.  Seriously, do people really understand how amazing Dolly is???  She’s 66 yrs old, sounds as angelic as ever and by the hands of God, has less sun damage than Emily.

Arie tells Emily he was in a long term relationship with a woman with 2 kids and became very attached to them.  They touch more on his racing career and she tells him she’s totally okay with racing life.

After her ‘I’m a pretty girl so I never had to be funny’ feeble attempt to psych Arie out, he gets a rose.  They make out on the carousel raising Arie’s “pole” position.  A-Oh!  Zing!

Cut to the Rose Ceremony.   Emily asks Kalon to go spend some time together.  Non-contrived Kalon is wearing spectacles, suede driving loafers and no socks.  Kalon begins to talk and talk and talk and says becoming a step father right off the bat wasn’t what he wrote in his journal when he was younger.  And by journal he means the thoughts his child psychiatrist made him write out in short story form after he was suspected, but never caught, for killing neighborhood cats.   At one point when Emily tries to interject into the conversation, he tells her, “I love it when you talk but I wish you’d let me finish.”  Patrick Bates could not be prouder if Kalon was of his own loins.  He then says the word control 50 times.  Remember that Law & Order SVU episode with the incomparable Andrew McCarthy guest starring role as a successful controlling businessman who dominates his wife and keeps their sex slave in a box under their bed?  Yeah…

Somehow Travis gets one on one time with Emily and they decide it’s time to release Shelly The Egg.  Emily splatters it on the ground.  I was hoping to see an ostrich fetus.

Okay, if you’re keeping score, as boring as Emily and Charlotte, NC appear to be, so far, in ONE episode, Ryan tells her she better not get fat if they marry, Em sends Tony home for being the awkwardly sad dad, and Kalon goes all American Psycho.  But the Bachelorette Gods have more gifts…

Emily sits down with Alessandro, grain merchant from St. Paul by way of Brazil, and before we know what’s happening, he’s got a grenade in his hand and is putting it down his pants.  He suddenly brings up the word compromise 10x over to describe Emily and her daughter.  Emily is very confused.  He claims using the word compromise to describe her situation isn’t a language barrier but things just go from bad to compromise saying her daughter isn’t a bonus.  It’s a compromise.   According to Alessandro, and I quote,“Compromise would be me as dad as a chief of a family.”  Nope, no language barrier there.  Emily is dumbfounded, walks him out in front of all the guys and sends him back to Brazil.  Even Emily can hear what a selfish dickhead sounds like in broken English. 

She takes a minute to compose herself with a cocktail and some smooching with Arie.  She has a great conversation with Sean who did a great job with expressing his position on family. Physically, he still does nothing for me but he seems down to earth and as good of a guy in the bunch.  He’ll eventually be the guy Emily will say, ad nauseam, she SHOULD be with but has to follow her heart.

Despite the 3 casualties, they still hold a Rose Ceremony.  The producers make her keep Kalon and Ryan and because this isn’t Dancing With The Stars, MC Stevie’s seen his last dance.  

Lastly, now that we’re 3 episodes in, I feel like there’s gotta be a dark horse or two.  My guess is Nate will shine in the Bahamas and maybe Wolf from St. Louis.  Someone always comes down the back stretch but as we learn during the credit run, at least it won’t be Alessandro who appears to still be in love with his 3^rd cousin.  Whom he dated.  Damn, I love this show.

THE BACHELORS:

Aaron, 36, a biology teacher from Long Beach, CA
Alessandro, 30, a grain merchant from St. Paul, MN
Alejandro, 25, a mushroom farmer from San Francisco, CA
Arie, 30, a race car driver from Scottsdale, AZ
Brent, 41, a technology salesman from Fresno, CA
Charlie, 32, a recruiter from Nashville, TN
Chris, 25, a corporate sales director from Chicago, IL
David, 33, a singer/songwriter from New York, NY
Doug, 33, a real estate agent from Seattle, WA
Jackson, 29, a fitness model from Lockport, IL
Jean-Paul, 35, a marine biologist from Seattle, WA
Jef, 27, an entrepreneur from Salt Lake City, UT
Joe, 27, a field energy advisor from Los Angeles, CA
John “Wolf,” 30, a data destruction specialist from St. Louis, MO
Kalon, 27, a luxury brand consultant from Houston, TX
Kyle, 29, a financial advisor from Long Beach, CA
Lerone, 29, a real estate consultant from Los Angeles, CA
Michael, 26, a rehab counselor from Austin, TX
Nate, 25, an accountant from Los Angeles, CA
Randy, 30, a marketing manager from Hermosa Beach, CA
Ryan, 31, a pro sports trainer from Augusta, GA
Sean, 28, an insurance agent from Dallas, TX
Stevie, 26, a party MC from Staten Island, NY
Tony, 31, a lumber trader from Beaverton, OR
Travis, 30, an advertising sales representative from Madison, MS

Thank you ABC Channel 9’s Scott Wickersham; your story about The Bachelorette coming to Charlotte, aka The Queen City, was as comprehensive as it was enticing.  One of my favorite guys lives in and speaks very highly of Charlotte.  He says it’s a fun place to be single but warned if I ever moved there, the single guys are all under 30.  Win-Win.

Emily meets her friends who tell her to just be herself and everything will fall into place.  Sage advice from her 45 year old friends.

“Let me tell you about the individual dates.  They’re a little more complicated…”, warns Chris Harrison as if he’s explaining the difference between cutting the red wire or the blue wire.

Ryan, pro sports trainer (read: I still try out for arena football teams), gets the first one on one date.  Of course he is quick to throw out ‘My pastor says…’  Slow your roll FCA, that’s enough.  Ryan is Brad 2.0 and like Brad, he also reminds me of a creepy mega church youth pastor.

From time to time I will refer to Kalon, luxury brand consultant, as Patrick Bateman or Patty Bates: e.g. Patrick Bateman is very displeased with the recent developments that Ryan got the first one on one date.  And will now go self flagellate in a bathroom.

COMMERCIAL BREAK:  I’ll only watch ABC’s Duets is if Kelly Clarkson only sings Reba McEntire duets.

The Bachelorette Mansion pool is going OFF and gaytravel.com has just voted it the best new gay bar in Queen City.

Emily picks up Ryan, who admits has seen the show with all its exciting dates.  Ryan says he’s up for anything: a hot air balloon ride, jetting off to the nearest Indian casino, snorkeling in a local creek.  Bottom line, with Ryan, anytime is game time.  But as Ryan’s luck would have it, his date has ‘coincidentally’ fallen on the same day Emily is scheduled to bring the post game treats for Ricki’s soccer team. So Emily and Ryan play house for their first date.  In keeping with the day to day married life theme, they obviously don’t have sex.

You know the producers were thrilled with this season.  Fuck getting permits to close down Hollywood Blvd while they shoot until 5 a.m.

Emily and Ryan drive to the soccer game but she delivers the snacks to Ricki’s team, alone.  Ryan waits in the car, sipping on a juice box while dreaming of the day he’ll finally see Malibu, California.

Emily rewards Ryan by later taking him to her favorite restaurant in Charlotte that draws every housewife in the tri-county area.  I absolutely like Emily and she’s as earnest as they come while competing on a reality TV show to find love.  She hits Ryan with some quick, tough questions to which he navigates like a used car salesman. Prior to an awkward community Gloriana concert, lo and behold, Emily cops to fact Ryan reminds her of Brad (because I’m always right) but gives him a rose because she has to take some chances.  Fair enough.

GROUP DATE ‘Let’s Set The Stage For Love’ :  Aaron, Alejandro, Alessandro, Charlie, Chris, Jef, John, Kalon, Kyle, Michael, Nate, Stevie and Tony

Emily greets the guys and informs them they will be performing a variety show to raise money for a charity named after her dead ex-fiance.

She introduces The Muppets. Jim Henson just died again.  The guys are split up in 3 groups; dance number, singing Rainbow Connection and performing stand-up comedy.

For fuck sake, even Fozzie Bear sees that something is wrong with Charlie during rehearsal.  Charlie has some concerns due to his disability and speaks privately with Emily.  She agrees he can absolutely change groups from stand-up to singing.   It’s like watching a teacher tell a kindergartner that everybody pees their pants.  At what point does he bring her a painting of a Ritz Crackers box?

Well, that’s a Bachelorette first:  A subtle, but sexually charged, Muppet scene.

The dance number guys clearly pulled the longest straw.

Ricki’s in the audience, unknowingly watching the man with whom she’ll potentially enjoy this exchange: “My REAL dad would’ve bought me a Goddamn dirt bike!”

Kyle and Wolf try their hands at stand-up which I hear it’s much harder than it looks.  But they made it look easily terrible.

Charlie still got roped into a comedy talk show sketch, Miss Peggy Live.  Perhaps Charlie said at the beginning of this whole deal, “Hey Mister Producers, whatever happens, do NOT treat me any differently than the other guys. I WILL make that free throw, Coach.”

Miss Piggy asks Charlie, “What do you tell a woman if you want to impress her?” CHARLIE KNOCKS IT OUT THE PARK!!!  Thank God he didn’t say, “I know how to dial 9-1-1.”

Emily clocks some QT with Chicago Chris, shamelessly flirts w Jef and DJ Stevie gets caught slow dancing w/Emily.  Even Charlie busts on him.

Kalon pulls Emily off the dance floor but quickly gets jobbed by Aaron, biology teacher. Patty Bates handles the confrontation in a very polite, calm, collected way while picturing Aaron’s body wrapped in a sheet of plastic.

At the end of the night, she gives Jef from Salt Lake City, the rose.  He reminds me of Christian from Clueless who I also did not find attractive.

One on one date #2 goes to Joe, field energy advisor from LA.  He’s actually a lot more reserved from last week.  Joe arrives at a private plane where Emily surprises him with a trip to…WEST VIRGINIA!!!!   If I’m Joe, the FIELD ENERGY ADVISOR, I’d be concerned we’re headed to a coal mine.  Instead, she takes him to her childhood stomping grounds and crown jewel of West Virginia, The Greenbriar Resort - it has an indoor pool and everything!

Back at Queen City the boys are taking a Jacuzzi.  The testosterone is running high when Daddy Doug gives a stern ‘you guys better be ready to be a dad’ speech.  Kalon, being 26, an asshole, and not understanding what Doug was saying, as patronizing as it were, throws out the notion that Doug put being a dad on hold by coming on the show.  Kids change everything; even The Bachelorette.

COMMERCIAL BREAK:  Clinique’s ad uses 4 words for their new CHUBBY STICK lipstick; Fresh. Pretty. Fun. Smile.  Nailed it.

Back at Greenbriar, Emily clearly shares my dating philosophy: Dates are like a job interview with booze.  After grilling Joe with serious questions, Emily is now saddened to realize she’s wasted her special place on him.  Now the one place that she dreams of bringing her future family for rest of their lives will forever hold the memory of one lackluster swim in the indoor pool.  She sends Joe home and Joe can’t high tail it out of there fast enough.

ROSE CEREMONY:

Even though Ryan has a rose and is safe from elimination, he writes her a long letter like he’s leaving his fiancé and is about to board The Titanic.

Charlie seems way more pulled together than we’ve seen him.  Are we the ones being duped by the producers or does he have some sundowner abilities? We’ll just have to see.

After waiting for Emily to regurgitate Ryan’s letter, Got Wood? Tony takes his shot and tells Emily he has a kid.  Because he’s weird and unattractive, he’s the only one in the room that doesn’t realize him having a kid matters as much as his second kidney.

In the end, Aaron and Kyle both won a round trip to Charlotte, NC.  I’ve already forgotten them especially with the next episode teaser revealing national treasure, Dolly Parton.  Fuck The Muppets.

THE BACHELORS:

Aaron, 36, a biology teacher from Long Beach, CA
Alessandro, 30, a grain merchant from St. Paul, MN
Alejandro, 25, a mushroom farmer from San Francisco, CA
Arie, 30, a race car driver from Scottsdale, AZ
Brent, 41, a technology salesman from Fresno, CA
Charlie, 32, a recruiter from Nashville, TN
Chris, 25, a corporate sales director from Chicago, IL
David, 33, a singer/songwriter from New York, NY
Doug, 33, a real estate agent from Seattle, WA
Jackson, 29, a fitness model from Lockport, IL
Jean-Paul, 35, a marine biologist from Seattle, WA
Jef, 27, an entrepreneur from Salt Lake City, UT
Joe, 27, a field energy advisor from Los Angeles, CA
John “Wolf,” 30, a data destruction specialist from St. Louis, MO
Kalon, 27, a luxury brand consultant from Houston, TX
Kyle, 29, a financial advisor from Long Beach, CA
Lerone, 29, a real estate consultant from Los Angeles, CA
Michael, 26, a rehab counselor from Austin, TX
Nate, 25, an accountant from Los Angeles, CA
Randy, 30, a marketing manager from Hermosa Beach, CA
Ryan, 31, a pro sports trainer from Augusta, GA
Sean, 28, an insurance agent from Dallas, TX
Stevie, 26, a party MC from Staten Island, NY
Tony, 31, a lumber trader from Beaverton, OR
Travis, 30, an advertising sales representative from Madison, MS

Okay kids, here we go for Emily’s season of the Bachelorette. Warning- this ‘blog’ makes Sportsguy Bill Simmons seem concise but I’m just stoked to be back for all 6 of my readers.

As we all know 26 yr old Emily is a single mother of her daughter Ricki. It’s a very tragic story where Ricki’s father, Ricky Hendrick, died in a plane crash in 2004. Ricky was a former Nascar driver and scion of Hendrick Motorsports. Emily, Ricky’s then 18 yr old fiance, who was to also be on that private plane, discovered she was pregnant days after Ricky’s death. For those of you not familiar with Nascar, bottom line, his family has a crap ton of money. And regardless of Ricky’s death, you know that baby girl was always going to be named Ricki.

Emily tried to find true love again in the arms of the white trash rage-aholic, Bachelor Brad Womack. To no one’s surprise, they are no longer together so tonight Emily starts her organic journey to find her soul mate. Let me start with I understand why most people go on The Bachelor/Bachelorette; they’re adventurous, they want to be famous, they’re 100% dumb. But I never understood what drove Emily to participate; she’s young, stunningly pageant pretty with veneers you can see from space, and set for life living in a target rich environment of Southern money in Charlotte, NC. And her being a single mom of the grandaughter of a famous racing empire is a huuuuge plus. SHE IS THE GEORGE CLOONEY OF SINGLE MOTHERS!!! I don’t get it. Perhaps she is over being an ‘event planner’ for a hospital and wants to become an entertainment host for web features on UsWeekley.com so she took another leap of faith.

Episode 1 begins with Emily and Ricki together because Ricki is the most important thing in her life. I hear this A LOT from other parents so I have no reason not to believe her. We first saw Emily’s house during Brad’s season. I would marry a solid 3 if it meant granite countertops and stainless steel appliances.

The aforementioned backstory is covered and we meet some of the Bachelors:

Kalon, 27, a luxury brand consultant from Houston, TX: Uses a helicopter, custom suit maker and tennis in his feature piece. He’s totally authentic. Clearly, there are no downsides here, people.

Ryan, 31, a pro sports trainer from Augusta, GA: He works with kids AND ‘pro’ atheletes. Sounds like a dream job.

Tony, 31, a lumber trader from Beaverton, OR: He’s a single dad. He’s got wood. We have an early front runner.

Lerone, 29, a real estate consultant from Los Angeles,CA: Is he one of the guys suing the show because of the lack of African American representation on the show? If not, he will be.

David, 33, a singer/songwriter from New York,NY: This guy couldn’t hold Wes Hayden’s jock. I mean, hello, Wes has a MYSPACE page! http://www.myspace.com/weshaydenband

Charlie, 32, a recruiter from Nashville, TN: He fell in a terrible accident and claims he ‘may have suffered a brain injury but nothing’s wrong with my heart’. I knew a guy in college who suffered a brain injury. He was like 30 working at a pizza place and smoked pot in the walk-in cooler. But I’m sure this guy is totally fine.

Arie, 30, a race car driver from Scottsdale, AZ: Once bitten, twice shy.


Chris Harrison greets Emily. Wow- baby got backless dress. But her hair and make-up are surprisingly modest so overall I’m impressed. She doesn’t want to address her deceased fiance / baby daddy any further. It’s a brand new day for this 26 yr old. And it’s revealed this season will be taped in Charlotte, NC due to fact she’s a single mother. I should’ve seen this coming and I have respect for her calling the shots with ABC. I wish I had that kinda pull with ABC because if I did, Scandal would NOT have been renewed.

Commercial break:  I wish ALL of my friends would quit bombarding me with Google+ requests. 

Emily meets her 25 suitors:

Sean, 28, an insurance agent from Dallas,TX: Good start, great suit, very blonde and I think he’s totally her type.

David, 33, a singer/songwriter from New York, NY: Wear a tie, dummy. You’re not panhandling on the 6 train platform.

Doug, 33, a real estate agent from Seattle,WA: Single dad #2. The deck is stacked.

Jackson, 29, a fitness model from Lockport, IL: In the history of life, has using ‘fitness model’ ever been advantageous?

Joe, 27, a field energy advisor from Los Angeles, CA: Class clown who will inexplicably stick around longer than expected because he ‘makes her laugh’.

Arie, 30, a race car driver from Scottsdale, AZ: Emily is clearly into him. She can smell the high performance fuel coming out of his pores.

Kyle, 29, a financial advisor from Long Beach,CA: We learn turquoise is Emily’s favorite color. Guys, just so you know, if a woman only comments on your tie that’s the equivalent of you saying a woman has a great personality.

Chris, 25, a corporate sales director from Chicago, IL: Seems like a nice guy and was probably pledge trainer in his Big 10 school frat because he’s a born leader.

Aaron, 36, a biology teacher from Long Beach, CA: I’m 100% certain he’s drunk.

Alessandro, 30, a grain merchant from St. Paul, MN: He’s originally from Brazil and tells her she’s gorgeous in Portuguese to which she replies, “Gracias.”  Bless. Her. Heart.  And I bet he’s loaded.

Jef, 27, an entrepreneur from Salt Lake City, UT: Rides in on a skateboard. Jimmy Neutron is so 2000.

Lerone, 29, a real estate consultant from Los Angeles, CA: Tells Emily being a single mom is one of the most attractive things about her. I would’ve gone with a hug, strong wink and been on my way.

Stevie, 26, a party MC from Staten Island, NY: I would think an MC from Staten Island would have a much bigger boom box but that’s just me.

Charlie, 32, a recruiter from Nashville, TN: Um, okay ABC, I think this guy really is kind of slow. Not cool.

Tony, 31, a lumber trader from Beaverton, OR: Tony brings a glass slipper. He could’ve worn a shirt that said: Got Wood? and would’ve fared better.

Spoiler alert: Mr. Big 10 might not be Mr. Nice Guy.

Randy, 30, a marketing manager from Hermosa Beach, CA: Well Randy, the good news is your granny costume was better than your shirt and vest combo. Who does he think he is- Tim Tebow?

Nate, 25, an accountant from Los Angeles, CA: Hellllllooooo First Impression Rose. Damn, if I was just a few years younger…I’d still be too old for him.

Brent, 41, a technology salesman from Fresno, CA: He’s not a looker but looks pretty good for being 41. And from Fresno.

John “Wolf,” 30, a data destruction specialist from St. Louis, MO: So we know he’s from St. Louis, shreds documents and people call him Wolf. Things just got interesting.

Travis, 30, an advertising sales representative from Madison, MS: Brings an ostrich egg along with an explanation of the egg that makes no sense whatsoever.  Makes total sense.

Michael, 26, a rehab counselor from Austin, TX: He’s from Austin, a rehab counselor, a big music lover and gives her a guitar pick. So it’s possible he’s a recovering alcoholic turned rehab counselor who’s really just a musician.

Jean-Paul, 35, a marine biologist from Seattle, WA: Really, the marine biologist knows little about Emily?

Alejandro, 25, a mushroom farmer from San Francisco, CA: He’s originally from Medellin, Colombia so good thing for Emily, he doesn’t speak Portuguese. And by ‘farmer’ it means his family probably produces the world’s largest mushroom supply. And by mushrooms, he means coke.

Ryan, 31, a pro sports trainer from Augusta, GA: Emily definitely likes him and if you’re going to use a gag, at least it was a sweet gag. And it appears he spelled everything correctly.

Kalon, 27, a luxury brand consultant from Houston, TX: Nothing says I’m into erotic asphyxiation like arriving in a helicopter.

Let the mingling commence:

Seriously ABC??? Charlie just made her feel his titanium plate and tried to bite her hand. Are we really going to wait until he asks, “Wanna feel my steel rod?”

Mr. Big 10 Chris had bobbleheads made in their likeness. That’s so Chris.

Skateboarder Jef gives her a good vibe. I think she’s been around her 8 yr old too much.

Hey Doug, you need to pull back on the kid connection. This is a show where you’ll log a lot of time in hot tubs, you looking at her boobs, tons of binge drinking, frenching her and hiding your erections on national tv. Let’s just remember what this show is all about.

Rightfully so, the guys are giving Kalon the business with MC Stevie leading the mob. At least he’s not leading them in The Cha-Cha or Electric Slide.

Arie admits he’s a race car driver and she’s totally cool with it. And good news, according to Google he really IS a race car driver.

Doug gets the F.I.R.; she fell for the letter. I guess making your kid write a letter to a complete stranger on a reality tv show is today’s version of meeting your dad’s new ‘lady friend’ at Pizza Hut.

Rose Ceremony has no real surprises. Well, except for casted off 41 yr old Brent disclosing he has SIX mother fucking kids. Sorry Brent, even for desperate, old me, there’s no amount of granite countertops and stainless steel appliances that makes that okay.

Aaron, 36, a biology teacher from Long Beach, CA
Alessandro, 30, a grain merchant from St. Paul, MN
Alejandro, 25, a mushroom farmer from San Francisco, CA
Arie, 30, a race car driver from Scottsdale, AZ
Brent, 41, a technology salesman from Fresno, CA
Charlie, 32, a recruiter from Nashville, TN
Chris, 25, a corporate sales director from Chicago, IL
David, 33, a singer/songwriter from New York, NY
Doug, 33, a real estate agent from Seattle, WA
Jackson, 29, a fitness model from Lockport, IL
Jean-Paul, 35, a marine biologist from Seattle, WA
Jef, 27, an entrepreneur from Salt Lake City, UT
Joe, 27, a field energy advisor from Los Angeles, CA
John “Wolf,” 30, a data destruction specialist from St. Louis, MO
Kalon, 27, a luxury brand consultant from Houston, TX
Kyle, 29, a financial advisor from Long Beach, CA
Lerone, 29, a real estate consultant from Los Angeles, CA
Michael, 26, a rehab counselor from Austin, TX
Nate, 25, an accountant from Los Angeles, CA
Randy, 30, a marketing manager from Hermosa Beach, CA
Ryan, 31, a pro sports trainer from Augusta, GA
Sean, 28, an insurance agent from Dallas, TX
Stevie, 26, a party MC from Staten Island, NY
Tony, 31, a lumber trader from Beaverton, OR
Travis, 30, an advertising sales representative from Madison, MS


Final 3, gun to my head: Arie, Sean, Nate. I’m never right this early on but what I do know is this will be the most dramatic Bachelorette ever, right Chris Harrison?